


In Another Life

by Miranda_Planet



Category: Star Wars - All Media Types, Star Wars Sequel Trilogy
Genre: Character Death, Eventual Smut, F/M, Fluff and Smut, Force Bond (Star Wars), Force Ghost Anakin Skywalker, Inappropriate Use of the Force, Love, Pre-Star Wars: The Force Awakens, Rewrite, Slow Burn
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-07-26
Updated: 2021-01-11
Packaged: 2021-03-06 04:34:07
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 3
Words: 5,838
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25527502
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Miranda_Planet/pseuds/Miranda_Planet
Summary: SUMMARY - Believing he was doing what was right, finishing what his grandfather started and end what his uncle had tried to reforge. Meeting his match in every way might just change his mind…whether she beats it into him herself. Hard truths to swallow and wounds to be stitched up. May, will bring balance to Kylo Ren and then together the galaxy itself.No Reylo. Original character love interest.I loved the sequels, truly I did. But I really really wished things were different, so I’m writing things how I wished they’d happened.This is my first fan fiction that I’m posting online so please any and all feedback would be greatly appreciated.Expect cute stuff, a semi slow burn and a lot of tension.A proper redemption arc, actual character growth and a whole lotta Kylo/Ben. I promise the story is gonna be good.
Relationships: Ben Solo | Kylo Ren/Original Female Character(s), Ben Solo/Original Female Character(s), Kylo Ren/Original Female Character(s)
Kudos: 6





	1. Again?

Chapter 1

Kylo Ren was tried of this, had been tired for too long.

Walking across the ship to the bridge with his capes and drapes flitting at his ankles, mask making hisses with his breaths. The few who had thoughts loud enough considered his walk as stalking or stomping, his mother had always said he just had places to be. It was his natural gait, it was just coincidence it was interpreted as intimidating. 

But now, he walked with invigorated frustration. He’d been notified of new intel, new information on Skywalker. Having searched for his uncle for years he now met new leads with doubt. 

The General, Armitage Hux, had called him from his quarters with the new lead. Demanding his presence rather than giving him the information had only fuelled his frustrations. The cunning little red head had his doubts about the force but kept them mostly to himself, his doubt in Kylo he made perfectly clear. He’d made it a point in every interaction to make his distaste known to Kylo, it was just a shame Kylo didn’t care about the generals opinion. 

Closer towards the bridge Kylo hoped a storm trooper or technician would look or think at him wrong. Wanting a reason to make Hux wait just a little while longer but they didn’t, they never do. Scared of the Supreme Leaders apprentice, scared to meet the heat of his lightsaber or feel the force around their throats. Such fearful creatures on this ship.

The only person on the Finalizer who had legitimate respect for their commander met Kylo Ren at the bridge doors. Her shiny chrome armour stood out amongst the black and grey metal covering every inch of the Halls. “Captain Phasma” Kylo nodded as he got closer, she stood at attention while the troopers flanking her saluted. “Commander, I’m here to update you and the General on the intel” her modulated voice coming across as feminine but still direct and professional.  
With nothing but a nod at her statement and a wave of his hand, the doors opened to the bridge and Kylo climbed the few steps to General Hux.  
And as usual Hux had to have the upper hand, back turned on Kylo and ignoring his entrance, Phasma following close behind her commander. 

The only noise inside the bridge was the officers at the data screens, discussing percentages and trades. Mindless dribble to Kylo. 

“Captain, what updates do you have for me?” Kylo kept his eyes on the General as he spoke to Phasma, watching for any reactions but he made none. Just watching Hux ignore him made his patience thin, clenching his fists in an attempt to control the annoyance rippling under his skin. Phasma stepped forward to stand facing Kylo but still able to see Hux, he ignoring her too “A scouting squadron on Tatooine has heard whispers of the man you seek, San Tekka. The squadron is heading out to Felucia”

That snapped his attention straight to her, “Felucia?” They had checked that planet before, years ago intel pointed them into that same direction.  
“Yes commander, from reports of the previous search parties it seems that the entirety of the planet wasn’t searched.” Phasma did not flinch when Kylo’ saber arched and slashed through the nearest computer. The closest officers scrambling out of the way and finally gaining Hux’ attention.  
And the Commander continued to slash until his rage was no longer bubbling under his skin but was just a heat at his fingertips. 

The bright red gashes of hot metal lay at his feet an officer only a step away staring up at him from the floor. Both their chests heaving but Kylo’ was with rage, the officers in fear. 

Hux made his way down from his perceived high ground and stood next to the Captain, both watching their Commander seethe over burning and melted metal. Fists clenching and lightsaber still ignited, its heat crackling through the bridge and drawing the attention of every officer in the room. “That wasn’t necessary Ren” Hux’ tone was bored, he’d seen this display before. Sometimes a console, sometimes a corridor, most times an officer in the First Order. He’d always thought the Supremes leaders pet had a flair for the dramatic. 

“Send another squad and make sure they search every inch of that planet-” Kylo seethed before stomping out of the bridge”-and prepare my ship.” Saber still red hot in his hand and slashing at the door on his way through it. He did not see the roll of Hux’ eyes or the slight drop in Phasma shoulders. 

Stomping away from the doors Kylo extinguished his saber but kept it his palm, the warm hilt giving him something to concentrate on. Making his way towards the breast of the ship where the throne room was, wanting to inform the Supreme Leader of the intel and his plans to join the search party.

But as he arrived and sent forward the request, Kylo was left ignored. Snoke not interested in what his apprentice had to say unless he requested it. Rage bubbled under his skin at the ignorance, It had been becoming more frequent, his masters bouts of indifference. Kylo no longer felt grounded in his training, in the missions Snoke approved of and pushed onto Kylo. 

He felt lost…

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I swear chapters will be longer eventually. I always struggle starting things off! This itself was meant to be a longer chapter but the second half has me stunted because I’m trying to figure out storm trooper hierarchy *face palm*
> 
> Also, I know my writing style is a bit weird not quite POV and not quite 3POV. But let me know if its reads weird and I’ll try it a little different as I go along :)


	2. Hot stinking jungle

Darkness and dust with boots crunching across an endless plain, even with lightning cracking the sky; Kylo Ren could see nothing.

The cold seeped into his fingertips, the puffs of his breath hit the tip of his nose on his exhale and lungs burn on the inhale. Turning in endless circles feeling his cape brush his ankles with every twist, Kylo was waiting. For what he wasn’t sure but the hairs raising on his neck was enough to warn him.

He had had this dream before with darkness, dust and cold with a few flickers of lightning; but nothing had ever happened in these dreams. But something was different this time as along with the cold he felt a tingle. A buzz at his fingertips and running further up his arms with it settling in his chest and making him warm. He’d never felt like this before and wasn’t exactly sure what he felt. Even in his dream he was ashamed to admit the warmth felt nice and almost comforting. But Kylo would not allow himself to be distracted, even in sleep, he was waiting for something to come at him.

Another crack of lightning across the sky, brighter than ever before, showed for the first time a figure, covered in dark robes and a hood standing a few feet away. The figure was unflinching in the lightning so Kylo moved towards it or at least he tried to. A force, the force keeping him in his place.

“Kylo” the figure whispered. Voice unfamiliar and indistinguishable but the warmth in his chest ignited into fire, Kylo shuddered at the feeling.

In another flash across the sky the figure held out a hand, small delicate fingers reaching for him. It walked toward him in small confident steps robes swaying softly. “Join me Kylo” with another crack of lightning he could see eyes, eyes as blue as the oceans on Naboo. The same oceans he swam in as a child.

At this Kylo ignited his saber, in previous dreams it was always missing from his hip but now the hilt was heavy in his hand and the red blade illuminated himself and the figure. But still the only thing he could see was the outstretched hand and the bright blue eyes. Angered by the disappointment and sadness he saw in them.

Kylo raised his saber pointing the tip towards the figure- “who are you?” Trying to take another step again but being forced to stay in place. The hand of the figure lowered and the sadness in the eyes deepened.  
“I want you to understand” the figure murmured and with another crack of thunder the figure thrust their hand forward and a force push hit Kylo, a thick wall ramming him backward and he felt nothing at his feet.

Falling backwards further and further, the figure raced forward offering their hand again as Kylo fell but all he did was swing. An arc of red flashing before their eyes, honey meeting ocean and sadness meeting rage.

———— 

Branches cracked under the force, snapping under and away from Kylo’ path. The sun was setting and he’d lost all sense of subtlety. The dream haunted him and distracted him from the disgusting heat of Felucia. 

Under the mask sweat dripped down his face slipping under the base and down his neck; adding to his already soaked armour. The cape came off the minute his squadron had reached the planet. He thought of the moment he saw the green giant, its thick humidity clouding the atmosphere only letting small flashes of dark green foliage to peak through. A planet with this much history was really nothing to look at, Kylo hated being in this hot stinking jungle but he couldn’t trust the troopers to do things right the first time. 

They’d started in the section of the planet that wasn’t searched years ago, coming up empty, then working their way around the rest of the planet. Weeks later they were on the last stretch and had found nothing. No one living on the planet had seen anyone matching San Tekka’s description and they hadn’t found any suspicious hovels. Searching high and low for a life form that wasn’t a Felucian beast, Kylo had the small scratches of teethmarks at his ankles to show they’d only found swamp rats so far. Any other creatures smart enough to run away from the ghostly armoured intruders.

Everyone was covered in splatters of mud and swamp water, filth caked to boots and armour. Even with the stench, heat and imminent failure of the mission. Kylo could think of nothing but blue eyes. For months he’d had that dream, it had become his solace amongst his nightmares, his little pit of peace. It was not a happy dream but it was quiet and so Kylo found peace in simply walking around a dark and dusty planet.

At first the dreams brought intense paranoia, waiting for the darkness to jump at him or voices to whisper horrors, like his dreams have done before. But then they begun to feel peaceful, he knew nothing would come out at him and the voices of the past had no presence. Kylo would hope as he drifted off to sleep that it was the only dream he had and sometimes it worked. But it usually always came before the real nightmares started, a calm before the storm. 

But on the third night on Felucia, the first time he’d slept since arriving the dream changed. What was once his solace now set him edge, what did it mean? Did it mean anything? If it meant something what was it? And did he tell Snoke? His master years ago had been interested in his dreams, claimed they were visions but has since not paid any mind to them. Simple imaginings of a strong mind he once said. 

Since seeing the figure Kylo had not dreamed again not a single nightmare or vision, not even flashes of memories. And Kylo was restless, every time he woke he waited for the world around him to crash. It had been years since Kylo had had a dreamless sleep and all it took were blue eyes to eradicate them from him. Blue eyes he was ashamed to say made him feel, feel what he wasn’t sure but like in his last dream he felt warm thinking of them. Conjuring their depth to memory and settling the warmth in his chest and the buzz in his finger tips. And now slashing through the Felucian jungle those blue eyes and many questions followed him through the heat and the swamp rats. Even for a moment distracting him from the rage forever imbedded under his skin.

“Commander-“ Kylo snapped his mask to the left, troopers alert and pointing their blasters up ahead. He quietly stomped his way in between the troopers, seeing what they see, across a small body of swamp water was a tree. Thicker than a TIE but only as tall as Kylo himself. A small opening in the middle looked handmade with it jagged edges and scratches showing potential of another hovel. Large leaves dead and browned left just outside on the ground.

The troopers pushed froward, a group of four spreading out around the perimeter as Kylo pushed toward the swamp, saber held firm at his side. With mud caked boots at the edge of the swamp he felt through the force for a presence but there was nothing. Nothing in the hut and nothing in the water.

Kylo stepped into the swamp and it stopped his knees, the warm murky water seeping into his pants and down into his boots. Stomping forward he raised his feet slightly with every step to not catch on the branches and vines he felt snap under the other foot. The troopers seizing forward to the tree as their commander got closer. 

It was only a foot away that Kylo stopped, the scratches around the hole showing they were actually symbols. The largest and clearest at the top being the Jedi emblem. This was the place. Stomping the few paces closer Kylo ignited his saber and slashed at the opening, widening it to fit his broad frame.

Replacing the saber back onto his hip Kylo poked his head inside. Vines and sludge had infiltrated the walls and the smell of rotting earth hit his nose. Stepping over the larger entrance he made his way inside, the sunset casting a shadow past him and into the home. More symbols littered the walls and moulded papers littering the earth held some more. This place had been abandoned for many years, longer than the troopers had last searched this planet. But Kylo was uncomfortable here, the force within him wanting to destroy this hole in the ground. Hunched over till his elbows rested on knees he took note of handmade pots and bowls thrown across the room. Scraps of shredded cloth piled into every corner. The small swamp rats inhabiting this hut had escaped with the screaming sounds of Kylos saber. Leaving him alone to the feeling of dread and hatred seeping into him. There was nothing here. Grabbing a bowl at his feet and threw it across the room, the tree so decrepit the bowl went straight through the wall... 

A storm troopers mask invaded the now open hole in the wall, “Commander we’ve found something” a single grunt left Kylo as he stormed out of the hut leaving the filth and dread behind. Making way around the hut two troopers scanned the trees while two more kicked their boots into the dirt, kicking something between the two. They stepped back to let Kylo into the space, looking down as he did, the last rays of light glinting off the small hunk of metal covered in grime and caked in mud. Crouching down as he did in the hut, reaching for it, knowing what it was even covered in dirt. 

A lightsaber. 

It rested upon his leather-gloved hand, fitting into his palm from the base of his fingers and beginning of his wrist. Small in size but big in weight. The force within it was dull but still there, the power strong. With his right hand Kylo pushed away what he could of the dirt, the metal smudging until he found the button. Holding it in his finger tips it ignited, the blade bright and strong and green. 

The light bouncing off Kylo and the troopers, bathing the already green planet in a brighter green hue. The small silver hilt buzzed and popped with neglect, years of dirt vibrating away. The hovel instilled dread and hatred but this little hunk of a lightsaber radiated light, guidance and with disgust Kylo noted hope. 

Angrily deactivating the saber and thrusting it toward one of the troopers “- take it back with us, Supreme Leader will want this - ” and turned around leaving the hovel and the saber behind him. He was leaving this planet, wasting enough of his time on an empty lead. 

The trooper with the saber ran after Kylo, clanking armour following his feelings of shock, “Are we going back to camp commander?” The lilt of hopefulness in his voice. “Once you finish the section you can return” Kylo did not turn back to the troopers but kept a steady pace through the jungle “-until then keep looking”

——

The sun had finally set when the troopers were far out of sight. The jungle buzzing and croaking with night time activity, the swamp rats more bold in the dark and new marks littering Kylo’ ankles.

The humidity though was starting to affect the commander, he assumed himself delirious when he first started hearing giggles an hour ago. At first quiet and far away but now louder and more shrill. Like the children in his memories running away from him in games and in competition. Despite the darkness of the forest Kylo could see around him, the light bugs illuminating enough to see that there was no one here but still the giggles came. Fading in and out every few minutes setting his nerves on edge. Already sweaty brow drenched in tension and lightsaber in hand. 

Ready and waiting for an attack. With such a large First Order presence on the planet, Kylo would like to know who’d be so bold.

A hard crack of branches behind him swivelled his attention around. More giggles following sounds of rustling trees and leaves flittering to the floor. But then a voice too.

“Better hide”

The voice happy and feminine, giggles continued around the jungle. 

“I’m going to find you” it sang, the giggles louder and closer than before. Kylo twisting and turning with every new noise, finger pressed and waiting on his hilt. 

But the giggles trailed away, back a few feet that Kylo had already passed. But he followed the sound. Delirious or not he would know what it is.

“Creatures run and flee, I’m going to catch you in one…”

Kylo followed the voice through trees, careful of the sounds he was making.

“Two…”

Back again to a thick tree, just as wide as Kylo but as tall as Coruscant towers. Bracing himself to it, hilt to his chest and giggles on the opposite side. He turned tense and ready..

“Three” 

Blonde curls greeted him and giggles turned to screams.

She ran back around the tree leaves flying out under her feet and Kylo charged after her. No sounds or movement to be seen once he rounded it, circling it again and again but no sign of her. 

With eyes flicking in one direction to another, Kylo waited for any noise body tense with shock. A girl in a forest? Feeling past the bugs and creatures seeking any truth to her presence. He saw a flash of golden hair and charged at it, it disappearing into the trees again.

Once he stopped it appeared again, sticks cracking in its direction and under his boots. Again and again he chased after the flash of golden hair but then it vanishes. Shaking in adrenaline Kylo twisted around and around, now not caring for the noise he was making. Mask hissing with laboured breaths and boots heavy with exhaustion but still he searched. The cracking of sticks sounded behind him, he turned so violently his mauled ankles cried in protest. She didn’t notice, head twisted to look behind her, it was when Kylo ignited his lightsaber that she came to a halt a few feet away and snapped her head to took at him. Body bathed in red light, eyes wide with surprise and chest heaving. 

“Kylo Ren” it was not a greeting but a statement, voice no longer happy but cold. Looking at her now bathed in red he could feel her, much like how he felt in Snokes presence. With Snoke he felt the chill of the dark force, radiating off his master like waves. But this girl felt like a pulse, soft and warm and the power coming from her was strong. But the longer he stared into those colourless eyes he felt the chill, the chill of the dark.

“You’re force sensitive-“ he raised his blade higher, pointed directly toward her face –“I sense a darkness in you”

She took a step back with hands flexing at her hips, she nodded –“as I sense the light in you” Kylo flinched at her calm words. After years of training and guidance from his master it was still his greatest insult, the call to the light. And a stranger, a girl in a forest could see it in him too.

One large step toward her as she took another back, back and forth with lightsaber raised and her face calm, but Kylo could feel the fear radiating off of her

“Who are you?” His modulated voice was light almost casual, not wanting her to run and disappear again. With her jaw tense and arms locked at her side he knew that’s exactly what she wanted to do. 

“No one” a whisper in the air as she ran into the trees and so he chased her, unwilling to let her leave his eyesight. Her skirts whipping behind her and catching at her ankles, it seemed that she was always just one step ahead as Kylo went to grab her arm and missed. Behind a tree she turned and disappeared.   
He stopped with chest heaving and sweat streaming under the mask, red lighting up the forest.

He stood there for hours before he decided to start moving, confusion and rage fighting for dominance in his mind. Felucia did not make another sound, the bugs stayed quiet and the rats left him alone. She did not appear again and so he made his way back to camp still not entirely sure if he saw what he saw.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> There was more to the chapter but I thought I’d leave it at that. I spent too much time editing and trying to make my writing decent and something someone else can read :’D I’m trying to remind myself that other people aren’t seeing this play out in their head as it is in mine. So I have to write it in a way that you can, am I succeeding?


	3. Just another...

At the sight of the grey and chrome giant Kylo silently sighed, to others the shift of his shoulders would look like an angry twitch but he was happy to be home. And the Finalizer was his home, the cold metal walls comforted him throughout the years. The hum of the ship soothing and the scrambling of officers amusing. It helped it had a functioning hot water supply; The stench of the jungle followed him onto the Command Shuttle and was permanently ingrained into his skin it felt. Sticky and slick with grime. 

He would’ve been here earlier if it weren’t for the medic on Felucia, he’d collapsed after leaving his squadron at the hut, breaking through the trees heavy footed and shaking with exhaustion. Waking up to a drip in his arm and a medic joking that not everyone could handle a hot climate. Kylo was non apologetic when he threw him easily through the walls of the tent and into the side of a shuttle, even less when the medic survived. Kylo saw him as he was lifted onto a med ship, his body purple and broken, humour evaporated from his face. 

He vaguely remembered leaving the storm troopers behind and making his way back to camp. Remembered the little green saber and the swamp rats. It wasn’t until he closed his eyes to rest on the command shuttle that he felt the effects of Felucia. Body tight, dehydrated and his mind fuzzy. Actively trying to remember the jungle but everything blurred into one mass of green in his mind. 

Even now he still felt the exhaustion, muscles aching. A slight shake of hands he kept at bay by hiding them behind his back, cape back in place and the only clean thing onboard. Kylo didn’t understand, he’d been in worse conditions for longer and been fine, but Felucia had weakened him. Had him questioning his strength and worth. 

Kylo collected the little green lightsaber and headed back to base dragging his willing squadron along with him. A collective sigh of relief amongst the men to be in the cold void of space, ignoring the stumbling mess of their commander. 

Along with the stench burning his nostrils it felt like the lightsaber was burning into his thigh, resting in a pocket Kylo hoped it would be ‘out of sight and out of mind’ but it was still just as heavy and as hopeful as it had been covered in mud.

Just another disappointment to Snoke.

Not only had they not found San Tekka on Felucia but he was bringing back a Jedi weapon that was calling to him. Every time Kylo thought of the lightsaber in his pocket the force within it hummed in approval, whispering to him with the light. Kylo just wanted to rip it out of his pocket along with the guck of Felucia. 

Can his master feel it ripple through the force, dormant for so many years and now here it was attached to his apprentices thigh calling to him as the light always has. A saber Kylo had only heard of in stories. 

Just another betrayal.

Kylo turned and caught his troopers quickly turning away, their thoughts purposely blank, not concentrating on the way their commander swayed. Their powerful commander seemingly brought to his knees by the tropics. 

Kylo flinched as he turned and caught his reflection in the glass of the viewing port. Mask and leathers grimy, holes chewed into his boots. Even to himself Kylo could see his own weakness. And behind their masks Kylo could sense the troopers judgment, the dark apprentice was a failure and the whole fleet would know.

Getting closer and closer to docking he knew his punishments would be severe. Flashes of previous tortures flashed across his mind, could feel the physical scars become warm with the memories. 

Staring at the mask of his reflection, the silver in it surrounding his eyes giving nothing to onlookers, but Kylo knew that behind his mask he was terrified of the punishment to come. Lip trembling in refrained terror and anger, he was angry that after all this time his master could still make him feel like an unworthy Padawan. 

It continued back and forth as the shuttle bumped and hissed its way back to the Finalizer. The Commander ridged and stone still standing amongst the silently joyous storm troopers. Both parties happy to be home, but only one wishing that docking wouldn’t be so fast.

Kylo stood still as it shook into place, the troopers cluttering around collecting pistols, data pads and packs. Was unmoving as the shuttle slowly pulled into the Finalizer loading bay. Didn’t move as the shuttle grew silent and the ramp lowered and stilled. Didn’t move as the pilot left with the troopers and not when the technicians slowly boarded to run their diagnostics. It was only when Kylo heard the familiar steps of an asshole did he turn.

Slicked back red hair greeted him when he turned towards the ramp. The General’ shoulders were relaxed and hands folded behind his back much like how the commanders are. Kylo doubted Hux’s hands were trembling like his though, not with that smirk spread across his face.

“I hear you’ve failed” the General was still, with voice even and holding back glee.”-again”

With no patience for the General, Kylo stomped straight past him, heading for the shuttles runway and ready to ignore the hoard of troopers and officials waiting to greet him. 

Hux spluttered and coughed as Kylo passed “your stench is offensive” his nose pinched between his gloved fingers when Kylo paused at the door and turned back towards him. His uniform pristine and not a hair out of place, his checks flushed, in his disgust Kylo assumed. With no come back, Kylo stomped straight out of the shuttle, leaving the smug General Hux to seethe. 

Much like Felucia, the Finalizer blurred into a mass of grey, flashes of stark white disturbing his vision. Skin burning with terror, Kylo stalked towards his masters throne, slow and cautious. The ships buzzing was nothing compared to the noise inside his mind, the memories of his screams thudding with every step forward. . 

He prepared himself for punishment. He had failed. Skywalker was just another step ahead of them. 

In the lift down Kylo breathed deeply, trying hard to centre himself and keep everything hidden away until he was sure of Snoke’ attitude. Would his anger be immediate or a slow torture? Or would he even care? Even Hux had started to notice the Supreme Leader’s lack of interest in Kylo lately. Consistently being pushed aside and ignored. Did he even know he had gone on this search party, Kylo hadn’t told him, because he couldn’t get an audience with his master. 

Down further into the belly of the ship his breathing exercise failed, body shuddering from exhaustion and the cold. Even a hologram of the Supreme Leader emitted an aura of power and set Kylo into a frenzy. There was too much on his mind. 

He was tired, confused and angry. 

When the lift doors finally opened Kylo forced himself to push it all away, become a shell of himself and to keep his mind silent. 

Snoke was waiting for him as Kylo exited the lift, greeted with his masters scarred and empty face. The crack in his head and hollowed out cheeks just as shocking as the first time Kylo had seen him. Even through a hologram his masters powers flooded over him, cold and stifling. 

Wasting not a second Kylo waltzed into the room bending to a knee, head down in reverence and shame. 

“Another failure my young apprentice” his voice was light but still haunting, “Skywalker has evaded us again, ” Kylo raised his mask to meet his masters eyes. Long scarred fingers rested upon an equally scared face. Mouth set in a scowl and eyes cold; Snoke was not pleased. 

“Yes but-” before Kylo could even get the sentence out, one he thought might just please his master enough for mercy.. it wouldn’t be. 

The pain radiating through him was like knives slicing under every inch of flesh; Needles rippling through him and tearing apart his insides. The scream threatening his throat burned in its escape. Snoke kept him pinned to the floor stuck in his posed servitude. Impassive face turned devilish once Snoke released him. Panting and shaking but all Kylo could do was move his face back down and accept the punishment. 

“Skywalker lives. The seed of the Jedi lives. As long as he does, hope exists.”

He had heard this many times through the years, a constant reminder of his failure. Kylo had failed to kill his uncle after all. 

“I will find him, the Jedi will never rise again” Kylo fell deeper into his bend, helmet a breath away from resting upon his knee. He wanted this to be over, he knew the mistakes and knew the risks of Skywalkers existence; of hopes existence. 

But Snoke still wasn’t pleased, pain rushed through him like fire. Curling further into himself, helmet now thudding into the metal floor, body screaming with pain. “Fulfil your destiny” Snoke roared, one last wave of pain over the young apprentice and he was through. Leaning back in the throne and glaring at his prized cattle. While Kylo shuddered and fought to remain down, taunts of tortures past running through his mind. 

“You’ve grown weak young one, I heard of your time with the medic” Snoke leaned forward towards his apprentice, watching him shake with pain and hide in shame- “stumbling around the camp muttering about a girl…”

At this Kylo stopped, a girl? He didn’t remember a girl. 

His master sensed the confusion and laughed “yes Ren, a girl, you were raving so hard about a girl in the jungle they sent troopers in to look for her” the grin evaporating from Snokes face as he leaned further towards Kylo, “what a surprise when they found nothing, your men are dissatisfied in you Kylo…fix it”

And then he was gone, the hologram cracking as the Supreme Leader phased out. The cold that remained was just as powerful, it pushed the feeling of being alone. Still bent over the chill of the floor seeped into every inch of skin it touched, even through the fabric of his armour. The shake of his hands now more violent, his gloved hands rattling against his sides. 

If Kylo thought about it long enough, he could count how many times those things have been said to him. A list of things the Supreme Leader attacks him with. And it all works. The fear of disappointing his master over the fear of anything else. 

Pathetic.

And then his thigh vibrated slightly, a warmth amongst the cold. Kylo lifted his head, legs too heavy too move much farther than tucking them under himself. Lifting his shaking hands Kylo removed the helmet, placing the filthy hunk of metal down and twisting to reach for the saber that wasn’t his. The palm sized Jedi weapon, that his master did not comment on. Did he not know? Or does he not care?

It thrummed against his hands, calling to him with whisperings of light. Promises Kylo couldn’t decipher or didn’t want too. He ignited it. The illuminating green filled the large throne room with warmth. Through the leather on his hands he could feel it’s heat. 

If his master didn’t care he had it, he’d keep it, a collectable from the past. Like the Alderann wine in his chambers. And his grandfathers helmet. 

He turned the saber off, placing it back into his pocket then reaching for his helmet. Looking into the visor for a minute before slowly lowering it back onto his head. The mechanics hissing as it latched into place. 

Now the hard part.

Kylo grunted and huffed as he peeled himself off the floor. Leathers tacking to the metal and leaving smudges of mud. A droid will clean it. The exhaustion was blurring his vision and made his limbs heavy. Swaying and shaking as he stood. Too tired to be menacing. Too tired to care that his quarters were across the ship. 

But Kylo gritted his teeth and slumped towards the lift, feet unusually heavy. Inside he leaned against the wall, psyching himself to waltz across the ship as if nothing happened, as if nothing was wrong. 

And he did it, strutting past officers and troopers, if they were a blur before they were nothing now. Just smudges in his peripheral.

Kylo only vaguely remembered getting to his rooms, storming through the door huffing. He doesn’t remember smashing to the floor, asleep, scaring the housekeeping droid later the next day. 

Not that he’d care if he did remember.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Well, life got crazy but I’m adamant, I will finish this, I want to finish this.  
> I need this story in my life and so do you.


End file.
